Scootin’ around Houston

I haven’t made a post on here in a while, probably BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN TOO BUSY SEEING EVERYTHING IN HOUSTON. I have also been busy with my wedding, my job, and watching the Kansas City Royals. 

In the months since my last post here, I have seen so much more of this huge city. What a great town with an endless array of things to do. Below are some pics and stories of places I have explored:

My brand new wife and I took a jaunt downtown to the Aquarium because we had buy one, get one All-Day Adventure pass coupons. Pretty sweet deal. It was a great time. We saw some cool animals, including these weird "Waxy" frogs. THEY DID NOT MOVE A SINGLE CENTIMETER THE ENTIRE DAY. I am guessing that the aquarium is playing a joke on everyone by making up some cool names for a fake animal (Waxy? That is the best you could come up with? I mean they do look waxy but that is PROBABLY CUZ THEY ARE MADE OF WAX), then placing the fake animals in comical positions in terrariums.

Doesn't the frog in the back look like he is taking an eternal poop?

We also saw one of the most heartwarming scenes you will NEVER see in real-live nature. In the picture below, note that a baby alligator is resting on a bigger alligator that is RESTING ON A TURTLE. This is no joke. And these animals were alive and real, unlike the weird fake frogs above. You could literally see the sweat beads forming on the turtle's head as he sat there, completely at the mercy of the bigger alligator, just knowing if he tried to move out of being the alligator's head rest, he would be immediately eaten. Soupe à la tortue, as they say in French...

What I wanna know is, what happens if the turtle farts?

 I apologize in advance but this aquarium was full of toilet humor. No joke. The aquarium is home to several white tigers, and one of them must have a sick fetish or something because it walked right up to the observation window and took the longest bathroom break in the history of animals RIGHT IN FRONT OF LITTLE KIDS AND EVERYTHING. Seriously, the potty break lasted almost as long as an episode of Glee. It was long enough to snap several pictures and wonder if the tiger had been holding it in for several days, just waiting for this very moment that someone would capture on their iPhone and post on the internet. Animals sure are funny...

However, that tiger got his revenge on me after I snapped a pic of him in mid-tinkle. You can see the tiger in the picture below that I somehow snapped before he slashed my shoulder and carried off my wife back to his tiger den. A totally unsuspecting tourist mistake...

Just kidding! The tiger was a prop for pictures next to the aquarium gift shop. We had to get another selfie just for kicks. Tons of fun at the Downtown Aquarium!

 A few weeks after watching that tiger tinkle (which would be a great name for a rock band), we went to the Original Houston Greek Festival, which was pretty neat. We had some great pastries and stuff wrapped in grape leaves (not sure what but it tasted good even though it looked a little bit like tiger doo-doo).

This is not tiger doodoo. This is actual Greek food that is called dolmades and is delicious. Get those dirty thoughts out of your head and stop making fun of other cultures.

 Then we watched some Greek children dance to traditional music which was pretty cool, and everywhere we saw these pictures of some dude with a ponytail wearing a skirt and tights. Every culture has their own traditions so let's try not to make fun of them...

Very little at the Greek Fest was similar to the Greek Life that I had known in my undergrad years. Take a look at college Greeks:

I don't know what it going on here. You don't either. It is best if we never try to explain.

After the Greek Fest, we went to the House of Blues in downtown Houston because I had scored free tickets to a show by The Preatures. Pretty awesome band and the show was really fun.

 A few nights after that we decided to check out Little Woodrows in Rice Village to imbibe some adult beverages and watch sports. Just an FYI for anyone visiting Woodrows, they do not serve food. So if you plan to indulge in some sustenance while imbibing your beverages, be prepared to bring your own foodstuffs. My wife and I brought a Domino's pizza because we had a coupon for one. You may notice a pattern here, which is that I AM CHEAP.

Beverages and sports at Woodrows: BYOF

 To cap all of this off, we watched the nice sunset (below) yesterday evening before heading to Baker St. Pub to imbibe some more adult beverages. Unaware of why it was called Baker St. Pub (because it is located at the corner of Times Blvd. and Morningside Dr.), I used my super sleuth powers to determine that it is named after the street that Sherlock Holmes resided on, which explained the pictures of Sherlock Holmes inside the bar. Not bad, if I say so myself. Might have a career as a detective ahead of me...

Winning the Pizza Lottery

If you take a look at my profile description right there -------------------------------->>>>>>>

you will notice that pizza is clearly listed as my favorite thing in the world. I once ate pizza for 30 days straight. If I could, I would eat pizza for 30 meals straight. It is one of the most amazing things in the world; it is a combination of cultures, flavors and textures, it can include all of the major food groups and provides nourishment for the body, and it can be eaten ANY TIME OF THE DAY. If you do not like pizza then you are a Class A jerk.

This past weekend was a lovely adventure for my fiancee and I that involved pizza. First, we went to the Astros game and had some helmet nachos. I have previously written about my love for helmet nachos. Below is a mouth-watering picture of the ones we ate.

I apologize if I made you hungry. We ate every single nacho molecule and would have had bought another one but we wanted to save the few ounces of dignity that we had left. After eating the nachos, I had to take a Helmet Nachos Selfie, because YOLO...

The next day, we ended up going to the Houston Dynamo game with new friends we had made. What a beautiful night for soccer. Check out some pictures from the game below:

The game was sort of a dud, with the Dynamo losing 1-0 in a friendly match with Aston Villa, from "across the pond." I wonder what idiot came up with that because if you think the Atlantic Ocean is a pond then you are (of course) a Class A jerk.

Our friend Bedrich somehow also got us free Dynamo scarves so we were able to look fashionable in the summer heat while watching the game.

At this point you might wonder why I started this post by talking about pizza if all I am going to do is show you pictures of myself wearing Random Professional Sports Items (RPSI). Well it is my blog and I can do what I want. In fact, just for that, you get one more picture of me and RPSI:

That is a beach towel that we got at the Astros game. I love RPSI, especially when they are free.

Anyway, after the Dynamo game, we had several adult beverages until we decided that WE NEEDED PIZZA. Or maybe it was just me that needed pizza. Either way, it was a NEED, not a WANT. And after a hilarious incident involving some girl tripping in a puddle and Bedrich sticking his BARE hand into that disgusting puddle to retrieve the girl's sandal, we ended up at Gotham Pizza, which just so happened to have a pizza large enough to feed all 5 of us. A 30" pizza pie. I HAD WON THE PIZZA LOTTERY. Take a look at this thing:

It actually looks bigger in person, but the pizza was no match for the 5 of us. We demolished the pizza, but not before burning our mouths like idiots. When will the pizza industry protect its valuable customers by inventing protection for our mouths from piping hot pizza??? (There is a million dollar idea right there for any of you who have the intelligence to design something like this, but I get at least half of your profits...)

We did finish the pizza but it took some willpower to eat the last few pieces. Below is picture proof:

If you were wondering how many slices I ate, the answer is... I don't know. That is what several adult beverages will do to you. What an awesome weekend though. You are welcome to come visit and burn your mouth with me and a 30" pizza...

Los presidentes de Estados Unidos en Houston

In all the places I have lived, one major thing has been lacking: concrete sculptures of the Beatles and the US Presidents. After 32 years of frantic searching, I finally found them in Houston. NO MORE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!

Apparently local artist David Adickes recognized a need sorely lacking in America and responded by scultping 7,000 lb. busts of the American Presidents, as well as 70-foot tall statues of John, Paul, George and Ringo. David Adickes should be given millions of dollars and access to everything he needs so he can create more concrete sculptures of my favorite things. David, if you are reading this, please start with the following list:

• NBA legend Michael Jordan
• Beetlejuice
• Every stage of Michael Jackson’s transformation, from cute black child in the Jackson 5 to scary white pop artist with a skeleton nose
• Johnny Depp in the following roles: Capt. Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, the Mad Hatter, and Rango. LOL, just kidding about Rango. That movie was TERRIBLE.
• My favorite band of all time: Rage Against the Machine
• Jessica Rabbit from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”
• Every stage of Britney Spears’ life, from cute teenager to white trash mom
• And last but not least, Houston Astros outfielder George Springer

Below are some pictures I took of the presidents and the Beatles. What a fun day. If you live in Houston, go check them out…

Thomas Jefferson, Grover Cleveland, George Washington and Harry Truman are digging the groovy Beatles tunes. When Jefferson and Washington get into arguments about who had a better presidency, Paul and John break into "All You Need is Love." Cuz love is all you need, Mr. Presidents.   

Benji Harrison and I belong to the same fraternity. Phi Delta Theta for aye!

I wonder what Calvin Coolidge (far left) and Martin Van Buren (fourth from left) are staring at. 

Pano view of the sculpture park. Plenty of space for my suggestions above!

Sunday Selfie with G-Dub. He asked me what a selfie was. I just laughed and told him to STFU you old fart

Barry O is a St. Louis Cardinals fan! Who knew?!?!? I imagine his neighbors in Chicago are already spray painting racial epithets on his garage right now...

Bill Clinton did NOT have sexual relations with that woman. Which means he had sexual relations with that woman. Politicians...smh

Abe in profile. Looks just like on the penny!

Best in Texas

Stop me if you have heard this before: George Springer mashes a massive home run, makes an incredible play in the outfield, and charms everyone in the stands with his swagger.

Houston fans are probably used to that by now since it occurs so often, and it happened last night as the Astros swept the Rangers and moved out of the cellar in the AL West for the first time in 2 years. In fact, it was their first time as a member of the American League when they were not in last place. Suck it Yu Darvish.

I have never liked the Rangers and it is enjoyable to see them in last place. Below is a pic of the LAST PLACE TEXAS RANGERS. 

In other notes from the game, Springer’s home run was his 19^th of the season. That is tied for 7^th most in the league. I would like to know what he eats to get his massive power so I can tear it up in Men’s softball. Maybe that Triple Steak Stack from Taco Bell??? 

Jose Altuve now has the most hits in Astros history before the All-Star break and is headed to the All-Star game after being voted in by players’ vote. 

The Red Sox are coming to Htown this weekend for the final series before the All-Star break. Boston is also in last place and I hope the ‘Stros show that Htown is better than Beantown.

Fresh Prince of Bellaire

Yesterday, there was a threat of rain in Houston all day, and coupled with an uncertainty of things to do here on Independence Day, I did not have any thing planned. Luckily, I had seen an advertisement for the Bellaire July 4th parade, and my fiancée and I decided to attend that. Partially because we grew up watching Will Smith as the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, so we just had to see whats up...

We saw some neat things and had a great time.When we arrived in Bellaire, which is just west of the Texas Medical Center in south-central Houston, we scoped out a spot in the shade and sat down to watch the parade. Below are some pics of what we saw. My personal favorite was the old-school police car…

There was a neat little car that had a fighter jet on it, and children got quite a nice haul of candy despite it being 4 months until Halloween. Normally I would have been grabbing the candy myself but since I just turned 32 years old, there is no sane reason for me to battle with children over nuggets of sugar. 

As my boy Big WIllie says: 

Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like?
Hmmmmm this might be alright.

There were a ton of people and after the parade there was a small festival with food, games, rides and live entertainment. All around a good time. I just wish the mini-ferris wheel supported a 180-pound adult...

Afterwards, it was sunny outside and we took advantage by hitting up our apartment pool. Shortly after we got out the heavens opened up and dropped an insane amount of rain and ended up probably cancelling many fireworks shows. We did see some fireworks later around 10 p.m. and overall, it was a nice relaxing holiday.  

Houston >>> Detroit

So the mighty (cough, cough) Detroit Tigers came into Houston this weekend for a series against the lowly (cough, cough) Astros, and they basically laid a doodie. The Astros won the series after grinding out a win on Friday, losing a heartbreaker in the ninth inning on Saturday, and scattering hits all over the place against Drew Smyly on Sunday.

As mentioned in my first post here, sports are one of my main passions, especially baseball, and similar to my other blog about the Kansas City Royals, I will likely focus a lot on the Astros in this one. So for all you Houstonians (Houstonites? Not sure yet what you call yourselves), or even just casual baseball fans, here are some thoughts from the weekend series:

First of all, shame on ESPN:

The Tigers lost the game, but ESPN seemingly expects them to win all the time, and probably got lazy with their graphics. I know they are not perfect, but after suffering through their love affair with Mike Trout this weekend, I am losing even more respect for the Worldwide Leader in Sports.  

Second of all, JOSE ALTUVE. The pint-sized dude is nucking futs right now. He batted 9 for 14 against the Tigers, almost single-handedly willing the Astros to their first series win over Detroit since 2009. He now leads the majors with 116 hits. He also has the most multi-hit games in baseball (suck it Miggy Cabrera), and just tied a 97 year old Major League record with multiple steals in 4 straight games after he swiped two on Sunday. Not surprisingly, he also leads the majors with 9 games with multiple steals. Oh, and he leads the American League with a .347 batting average (suck it Miggy!). AND HE CAN FIT INTO ONE OF MIGGY’S PANT LEGS, SO SUCK IT YOU FAT DOUCHE.

Third of all, GEORGE SPRINGER. After a rocky start to the MLB, he has been on a tear. He is quickly becoming my favorite player in all of baseball. He leads the Astros in home runs, RBI’s and swagger. He has been playing phenomenal defense, has a super awesome range in the outfield, but hilariously also leads the Astros with 92 strikeouts. Quite honestly, I don’t think anyone notices his strikeouts because he does everything else so well. I think a recurring theme on this blog will be JOSE ALTUVE AND GEORGE SPRINGER BECAUSE THEY ARE BASEBALL BEASTS. 

And finally, Tony Sipp is looking pretty solid. He has only allowed 4 earned runs in 22 innings. His WHIP (walks and hits per inning) is at 0.63. I think Astros manager Bo Porter (University of Iowa represent!) should name Sipp the closer and let him feast on batters in the ninth. The Astros are only 2 games behind the Texas Rangers, and assuming they can keep games close, Sipp can help them close the games out and move ahead of the Rangers. 

Detroit needs to clean up the doodie they left in this beautiful city and go back to their miserable town. Until next time- Go ‘Stros!